Ryan's Journal

Before the past year I tried very hard to avoid politics, and tonight I was giving some thought to why it is recent events have made me care so much about the US government. The conclusion is that it boils down to an issue of trust — I would support the government if they could just do the following:

1. Prove that the current policy of “preemption” is due to a genuine belief that fighting Iraq is the best way to protect America, and that the current stance isn’t being taken for political gain or to benefit the oil industry. Why is Iraq a higher priority than Libya or North Korea, or even peace in Israel? September 11 was a terrible event, and inflicting such a castrophe on another country for anything other than the most serious of reasons would be as heinous a crime as any country could ever commit.
2. Tone down the arrogance slightly — the insults that are flying at France and Germany right now are not only inappropriate, but often border on ignorant. Additionally, the “if you’re not with us you’re against us” attitude can only divide the world further, rather than make the world a safer place.
3. Spell out what it is that can be done to avoid war. “Disarm” is far too ambiguous when Iraq may not even have any weapons. Do they need to give access to all of their internal records? Is it enough to have 10,000 inspectors combing the country? There has to be a way to avoid causing death and destruction.

For those who support the President, I’d be genuinely interested in knowing your thoughts. Do you feel that the questions above have been answered, or is it just a matter of supporting the only person who seems to be willing to lead right now? I’ll be the first to admit that there’s no one in the Democratic party who has the courage to stand against public opinion, but the alternative of supporting a man who seems hell-bent on starting a war is an option that leaves me feeling sick.

One of my best friends was married yesterday, and for the first time since 1994 I got to see several of my high school classmates. Even though I hadn’t seen most of them in ten years it was simple to sit down and laugh together again. As teenagers we depended on each other for support, and finding those bonds to still be strong was a deeply comforting experience. However, despite the fact that we could still see each other in the same light, watching Sarina get married, and knowing that several others will do the same in the next year, drove home the point that things are changing in a very final way. This weekend may have been our last chance to be together as a circle of equals — as more people get married and start having families the dynamic of our circle will be distorted. While marriage and family are positive things, it’s a bit sad to know that a line is being crossed and that there won’t be any going back to the way things used to be.

Unfortunately no one is going to be able to read this journal entry for a while because I’m having site problems. At this point I’m rather frustrated with trying to run a Windows server, and am going to give Linux a try the next time I come home.

The Goob showed up in LA today, so I took a long lunch and roamed the studio lot with him. His desire to try and sneak onto the Friends set didn’t gel with my contractor status (which puts me slightly lower than a telemarketer on the org chart), but we did still manage to roam around in the Gilmore Girls set, saw a couple of TV stars, and got to ogle at Matthew Perry’s BMW. Perhaps at the end of my tenure with Warner Brothers, when I no longer have to worry about having security call my boss to find out why I “accidentally” ended up in the President’s chair of the West Wing set, it will be time for the Goob to visit again.

Today’s excitement included waking up at 8:00 AM to find Aaron standing on me, Skip’s impassioned sermon on demons (including one congregation member who responded in the affirmative to the rhetorical question “have any of you ever personally met someone who was possessed?”) and a magnitude 4.2 earthquake. But what prompted a journal entry at midnight was some thinking I was doing on the long drive back from the Bay Area to LA.

Interstate 5 from the Bay Area to LA is a tedious, mind-numbing route that passes through flat farmland for a couple hundred miles. This road inspires random thoughts, and tonight I was pondering why it is that I’ve practically become a social hermit in recent years as compared with my teenage and college days. The only answer that I came up with is that as I’m discovering what I love most about life I’m failing to find others who share these loves. As an example, I live for the feeling that fills me when watching the stars in the night sky in Death Valley, or the serenity that comes from standing alone on Half Dome in late fall. It’s exciting on the rare occasions when I meet other people that enjoy these types of activities, but even with these people, whom I would think a connection would exist, there always seems to be a disconnect — almost without fail their motivation is the adventure or physical challenge which the experience presents, and while I love a challenge, the adrenaline of the experience is secondary to the sense of awe, serenity, and most importantly of simply being alive that I’m seeking. There are perfect moments when life makes sense that only seem to occur out amongst the rocks and trees, and it is for these times that I go out exploring.

While I was still working for Accenture this feeling of being different from everyone around me was at times becoming almost overwhelming — I started wondering what exactly was wrong with me. It was in this state that I met a friend of a friend who voiced a feeling about life that echoed my own. For the first time in years I had the hope that I wasn’t isolated. Shortly thereafter, during my travels in Alaska, I began meeting person after person in whom I immediately recognized something. While roaming the North I had the unique experience of understanding people and being understood almost implicitly. I would arrive in small towns and be able to easily settle into conversation with the locals, or be on a trail and stop to talk to passing hikers, knowing that instead of lessening the serenity of the moment it would only enhance the experience. Granted, there were still those who I failed to find common ground with, but they tended to be in the minority.

These days, as I walk through the Warner Brothers studio lot or do a workout in the gym I’m careful to respect the anonymous-nature of city life. However, for once I’m doing so with the knowledge that even though I’m different from those around me, I’m not alone, and that life as a social hermit doesn’t have to last forever.

During Christmas my brother’s “List of things that make me happy” (written when he was ten) put “my brother” fourth from last. Tonight he more than redeemed himself when he found a bunch of essays he’d written in high school, several of which were about “my brother”. My memories from age twelve to twenty are generally of me being brooding and antagonistic around my family, but Aaron apparently didn’t always see things that way. Lately I’ve come to realize how important family bonds are, and the Goob drives that point home every time I get to see him again.

Aaron and I decided to take New Faithful out for a trial run this afternoon, but after hitting only a few dozen balls we were ambushed by five little kids. It was great that they ran wild through the outfield collecting balls for us, but it’s a bit nerve-wracking when you have to watch out while pitching or swinging a bat to make sure that you don’t accidentally take out a seven-year-old. We escaped without killing any of them, and the evening was spent just hanging out with Aaron and Minor. As life is moving along I find that one of the things I miss more than anything else is the time spent laughing and reminiscing with friends, talking about whatever random memories occur to us. In high school and college friends would gather and stay up until all hours, but as people are getting married and starting families these occasions become more and more rare. Coming home now seems to be one of the few times when I can count on being able to get together with people without needing any plan or excuse and just enjoy the act of being together.

The story of a small town boy in the big city:

I’ve been busy this past week and haven’t made it onto the studio lot for lunch that much. Since I’m way ahead on my hours for the week I decided that today would be a good day to get out. While roaming through the lot on the way to lunch I was amazed at how many more security people were out. Then I noticed that there were several homeless people on the lot, and I figured that maybe there was some sort of special program going on, and that explained the security.

After getting my lunch I was coming back through the lot and realized that there were a number of blue-collar workers hanging about — several looked like steel workers. At this point I was completely baffled, especially after noticing that a lot of these folks were wearing heavy fleece jackets despite the eighty-five degree weather. A person of normal intelligence would have figured out what was going on by this point, but it wasn’t until I got back to the ER set and noticed that instead of Warner Brothers security the security folks were wearing Chicago PD uniforms that I finally put it all together. I like to believe that I’m reasonably intelligent, but I have a few gaps in the cranium that you could probably sail the Titanic through.

A few completely random notes:

• People in LA don’t seem to realize the chaos that surrounds them each day. My friend’s fiance has lived here for most of her life, but has never noticed that there is never a traffic report that doesn’t include at least one car in flames somewhere. People will rubber-neck for minor fender-benders in the Bay Area, but on the LA freeways I’ve passed two cars with twenty-foot flames shooting out of them with hardly any slowing of traffic.
• While looking for dinner the other day I saw some Chunky soup on a shelf and my immediate thought was “that would taste good”. After Alaska I would have bet a lot of money that I would never think such a thing ever again.
• The “snow” on the ER set was completely gone today. Four days ago there were huge drifts on the studio lot, today it was back to normal. It’s freaky.
• The Goob graduated from the fire academy on Friday and was greeted by $35 billion in state budget cuts. The odds of finding a firefighting job make lottery tickets look like sound investments.
• Jason used the words “haggis” and “yummy” in the same sentence. Either he has not yet actually eaten haggis or else he needs to become a contestant on Fear Factor as soon as possible.

A definite perk of working for Warner Brothers is that I have full access to their studio lot (when I can find time to visit). Lately I’ve been eating at their cafeteria at lunch time, and to get there I have to pass through several of the “street” sets. I go from the streets of Gotham past a series of buildings that look like something from the Matrix, past ER’s County General Hospital (which was covered in snow today — very, very weird), and down a row of fake brownstones. The cafeteria sits at the end of these sets, and is followed by perhaps two dozen giant soundstages housing everything from Friends to Drew Carey. I’m not enough of an entertainment buff to know if I’m seeing anyone famous, but it’s nevertheless a very surreal break to the day.

A completely unrelated note, but I clicked on the wrong bookmark today and accidentally ended up going to the National Park Service Seasonal Employment page. Working as a field biologist in the backcountry of Denali is something I would jump on immediately, but unfortunately the soonest I could do it would be the summer of 2004 — the Galapagos trip in May makes a summer job for this year impossible.

I’ve been in kind of a funk the last two weeks or so. For the first time since Halloween I’m taking time off from running — my body is doing great, but mentally I can’t seem to push myself through anything longer than a six mile run. Hopefully it’s just the boredom of running on treadmills every night and taking three or four days off will break the spell. In regards to work I’m kind of plugging along, but the days are blending into one another and I’m losing a sense of time — it takes a bit of thought to figure out if it’s Tuesday or Thursday.

I suppose the current mental lapse should be evidence that I’m not meant for the corporate world and that I should get out into the wilds again as soon as possible. And while that’s tempting, the catch is that if I leave the corporate world for too long and then for some reason decide that I need to come back to earn money (or for whatever reason) my earning potential would have dropped significantly and I would need to work for a longer period to earn the same amount. So work a bit now and sacrifice the present, or run off to the wilds but then potentially sacrifice a longer chunk of the future? I’m lucky to be able to have such a choice available to me, but I can’t decide which option is best — any advice or thoughts would be appreciated.

Decided late on Friday to go home for the weekend — for whatever reason I felt like I needed to be somewhere that felt comfortable, but unfortunately due to the fact that I’m home so seldom it’s tough to return without it being somewhat of a special occasion. While it was nice to see the folks again, part of me needed the experience of belonging somewhere and of fitting in naturally, both of which probably would have required a longer stay to recapture.

Returned to LA tonight, will work for the week, then most likely I’ll be back in the Bay Area again next weekend to meet up with friends. It will be good to see everyone again, and with luck we’ll all be able to slip back into our old routines without being affected by time or distance — change may be inevitable, but in the case of friends and family I think I’d rather things stay the same for as long as possible.

This is a really random thought, but bear with me. I was looking through my photos from Cambodia earlier and thinking about how the government there puts so much effort into making sure that nothing happens to affect the monuments or to disrupt tourism around Angkor Wat (they could do more, but let me ramble). The reason for this is due to the large amount of money generated by this monument — consider the following: it costs about $20 (US) per day for a pass to get into the Angkor temple complex. Assuming one thousand people visit each day (that figure is really low I think) that’s $20,000 each day generated by this complex. Now consider that $60-$250 per year is a normal salary in Cambodia, vs. about $30,000 in America. Conservatively estimating a 100x differential that means that the revenue generated for Cambodia is the equivalent of a monument in the US that generates about two million per day. Now consider that Cambodia’s population is about 1/25th of the US, so the value of Angkor to the government jumps again — equivalent of around fifty million dollars each day in the US. That’s roughly the equivalent of twenty billion dollars per year using conservative estimates and ignoring the value of hotels and other amenities in the area — the number might be several times higher. It seems like other developing countries could learn from this example — much of the Latin American rain forest is disappearing, African countries are losing battles with poachers, and the list goes on despite the fact that protection of these places might perhaps be their most valuable use.

I heard a radio commercial a while back that talked about how these days it’s cool to be tired — we can’t help but brag about how little sleep we get, and I’m about to prove that point. I’ve had insomnia all week, but last night I fell asleep before 11:00. At 11:45 the phone rang, and it turned out there was a server outage at work. After trying to resolve things over the phone I ended up heading to the office at 12:30, and by 1:30 we had found the problem but had to wait for the folks at the network operations center to fix it. By 4:30 it still wasn’t fixed, and I was curled up in a comforter sleeping under my desk. At 8:00 my boss came in, rather surprised to find out I was sleeping on the floor, and by 9:00 the network folks had finally fixed the problem. I was the butt of many jokes as people who knew I was in late last night stopped by and saw the comforter folded up on my desk. It’s not something I’d want to do often, but it makes for a good story when it happens once in a while.

I just spent an hour on the phone with Ma trying to figure out why the site was down and why she had no internet connection. We checked router settings, verified the DSL modem was working, and looked at a million other things before I suggested maybe she check and make sure the phone line was plugged in. The response from Ma: “The phone line needs to be plugged in?”